The User's Guide To Spock
by Shanequa
Summary: Congratulations! You are now the owner of a SPOCK! To make sure that he is a happy little Vulcan, please read and follow this instruction manual very carefully... A user's manual for Spock that may provoke laughter. Read with caution. [OneShot]


A/N: This is dedicated to my veeeeeery good friend who loves Spock and (I hope) will show her little anonymous face in a review. I told her to check my profile, anyways.

This is a oneshot "User's Guide" fic. I always find these humorous, and my friend is obsessed to some extent... And I wanted to dedicate a fic to her because she has just been introduced to the site. I'm sure there's many other people who have caught "Spock Obsessus Disorderus", too, so this is dedicated to the fans that, and I quote, "...follow Spock around in 1960's Voltswagon wagons and try to take pictures of Spock while Spock is trying to sleep and camp out on Spock's front lawn in hopes of getting an autograph..." (grin) Well, she didn't really say Spock, but she meant it. Seriously.

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek. I'd let my friend _marry_ Spock if I owned the show!

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Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a SPOCK. To be sure that he is a happy little Vulcan, follow these instructions carefully. **

**Information**

Name: Just call him Spock. His Vulcan name is _really_ hard to pronounce.

Race: Half human, half Vulcan. However, he prefers to be called a Vulcan.

Height: About 6 ft. unless he's in a black hole, in which case he would be all stretched out.

Weight: Depends on which planet he's on.

**Putting Your SPOCK Together**

You should have received a large cardboard box that looks very complicated. It is. (How else do we keep your SPOCK away from other rabid fangirls?)

1) Open the other smaller box that you also recieved. It should have a key in it.

2) Unlock the large box.

3) If your SPOCK is asleep, scream like a fangirl. This will either wake him up or cause him to believe you are really a fangirl and give you the Vulcan nerve pinch.

4) When SPOCK has calmed down or you have regained consciousness, which shouldn't take long, list all of the reasons that you are SPOCK's OWNER. The list should include:

a) You bought him.

b) You will keep him safe from the other fangirls.

c) You have a giant, cool-looking gun pointed at his head and will fire it if he doesn't comply.

5) SPOCK will associate you with OWNER.

**Cool Things That Your New SPOCK Comes With**

You will not have to spend oodles of time and money on your new SPOCK! He comes with many things to keep him entertained...

1) A lot of Weapons

2) A weird Vulcan harp-thing

3) A star-ship

4) A super-cool 3-D chess game

**Cool Things That Your SPOCK Can Do**

"Helping" You With Homework: He can actually do it for you, but we don't want the school systems to sue us...

Research: He knows just about everything... He probably knows who built Stonehenge. He probably knows what color their underwear was.

Mind-Control: Don't want math homework? SPOCK can help you...

Pet Communication: Want your guinea pigs to shut up? He'll tell them to...

**FAQ**:

Q: "My SPOCK seems to be brainless. How do I fix this?"

A: To fix your SPOCK, see the events in "Spock's Brain". If this doesn't work, just follow the people who stole his brain back to their planet. They will then attack you, so be prepared to engage in mortal combat. Then get the brain back and figure out form the giant all-powerful computer machine thing how to switch the brains back. Then preform complex brain surgery before the 3 hours you have left runs out. Good luck with that. (grin)

Q: "SPOCK is dancing around and singing 'White And Nerdy', which is just a tad disturbing... What's wrong with him?"

A: Oh, did he find your MP3? Just take it away. It's harmless, though, you have nothing to worry abou- Oh, my... He really shouldn't be doing that in public...

Q: "So, SPOCK ran away from me... How come?"

A: He's just upset... Don't worry, he'll come back to either eat or hide from rabid fangirls...

**Warranty**:

This declares that you can return SPOCK up to fifteen minutes before you bought him online.

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A/N: Hope you all enjoyed it! It may have been WAY out of Spock's character (I never actually watch Star Trek, but my special friend _adores_ Spock. Thank goodness for Google and Wikipedia!), and if it is I'm sure she'll reprimand me on Wednesday when I see her again. Feel free to review/flame/tell me your life story!

-Nikki


End file.
